i love it so so much at home! i wish my home stays where it is forever! some may say that my home will stay, who's to move it? but, ah, you see, my home is not my house. my home is where my dad and my mom and kelvin and daniel and me is.
yet, i am really pumped and excited about the upcoming ten weeks of internship in Kedah, i can't imagine how it would be like, all i know is that i will see and learn and know so much more! i cant wait to broaden my perspectives! and to meet up with kelvin and see how things go there for him. just cant wait!
lately i am so caught up with mandarin literature and classic blockbusters and dora cheok (the new editor of reader's digest asian region)! and made vows to have voice, to voice up opinions and big ideas and be empowered with knowledge.
i was writing my article on third world mentality the other day and talked to a few people around me about their views on this topic and i am amazed by the diversity. my article is going to be good!
by the way, i just realized that malaysia is a third world country too. humph...
《溪水12》终于告一段落了，该做得都作了，该卖的书也卖完了，除了财政报告，一切都忙完了。
好一阵子了，《溪水》，我跟你相处真的好一阵子了。
除了感谢，其余的都是多余，因为一切尽在不言中。
这段日子，我真的不懂是怎么走过来的。不是痛苦，绝对不是痛苦这么肤浅。不是好玩，绝对没有那么变态。
从一开始的接触，到认识，到认知，到接受，到推动，到鼓励，到忍耐，到坚持，到祷告，到祈求，到努力，到骄傲，到奇迹，到挫折，到埋怨，到反省，到认罪，到领受， 到出版，到信任，到灰心，到失望，到扶持，到释怀，到谅解，到肯定，到售卖，到批评，到结束，到感恩。
若是要说感想，我还真的不懂该说什么。就好像昆虫的生长阶段。每每到一个阶段，就要短暂的停顿，然后再长出更卓越的新躯壳。Instar，英文就叫instar。隔一段时间，又会短暂的失落与低潮，好像快不行了，或是不想做了，但原来都是神在为我们预备更好的呀！
《溪水之声》不是属于我的。但是，好多好多好多时候我都搞错了。把《溪水》当作是自己的在制作，得失心变得很重，变成很在意旁人的看法，变成会埋怨身边的人、事、物。但是，就像彼得三次不认主的时候，公鸡就啼了，彼得也醒了过来，突然发现自己错了，然后认罪，然后改过更新，重新来过。
得着当然不少，但我相信每个人的得着都不一样。神让我重新鉴估我的服侍心态，让我调整，让我更新，让我更深入。
当中还有很多很多的遗憾，但是，我知道，神继续与我同在，若有机会，我们一定努力补足。
这一届的溪水之声也许不是最好的，也许没有最默契的团队，也许不是最有效率的，也许......但是，这是第十二届的溪水，里头藏着厚厚的第十二届的故事，流着第十二届筹委们的血与泪，夹着第十二届满满的回忆，是第十二届的，是第十二届的！感谢神，因为你拣选了第十二届，像每一届那样，你要第十二届为你的荣耀而作！
啊，有时觉得可惜呀，有时觉得不舍呀，但是除了感恩感谢，我还能做什么呢？主啊，我真感谢你呀！原来届的溪水更棒，更合神你心意！
ah, i am contended.
nothing beats a good old movie.
i hate it when people stereotype chick flicks and sentimental and romance and all things in this category. i would try defending. but usually i am flustered. haha, i guess i am ashamed of my own preference too? but, hey, it shouldn't be like this right? everyone is allowed to like what they like (as long as it is legal. and, doesn't collide with God's preference) and i think this is called human rights.
these seemingly dim-witted and non-constructive and shallow stuffs people wrinkle their nose at are actually some really good stuffs. beauty is in the eye of the beholder. so i guess it applies here. people tend to think that these sentimental clumps are typical with their plots and everything but if the person watching or reading are challenging it by seeing things from different perspectives, you might just find something worth your time.
for example, i watched pretty woman and learned some stuffs:
- they have those sensory cards system for hotel rooms 20 years ago, wow... (mind me, i am slow with technologies and stuffs)
- richard gere used to look really good, his beady eyes remind me of those korean boy band guys
- rolls royce looks really weird back then
- it is okay to have dreams even though they don't necessarily come true
- status quo is more of what the mind and ego says, not so much of the capital difference
- people tend to stereotype, it's okay, but you don't have to follow their lead
anyway, pretty woman is a good watch! old as it may be, the plot is still relevant. and i love their music~
another lazy afternoon...
just be me, just be me, just be me....
would it be difficult?
i am almost done with my packing and i am really excited about going home and starting my industrial training in Kedah! sigh, it's a good feeling. finally, i can breath. finally, i can be myself. finally.
i had been eating junk food for one whole week now. it was either McD, or KFC, or McD. yuck! haha, therefore, we are signing in on quitting fast food like McD and KFC and pizza for one whole semester. let's just keep our fingers crossed and see what would happen^^
ah, i have to stay away from you all, my all time favourites...
i solemnly promise to not eat any fast food (inclusive of fried chicken, burger, fries, wedges) from all franchised fast food outlets in the upcoming semester and i will keep this promise... the best i could, for the following reasons:
- money
- health
- humanity (yupz, google it up, there's a lot of humanity issue there)
- etc
i am heading to a town call far far away,
i am walking on the road called either way,
i am in a nation called some day,
i am drinking in the wine of uncertainty,
i am dining in this place called susceptibility.
i am done with all the unnecessary,
i am ready for the immortality,
i am seeking Your help desperately,
i need help immediately,
i want to go home. home.
a friend of mine died last night, as silently as birth crept upon him, death engulfed him and all things belong to him. i am right now, celebrating his birth and his death, both are God's grace.
my friend, rest well.
got my rare dose of catastrophe, i was involved in a car accident that cost me a good deal of money and a trip to the police station and a good lesson of traffic law in Kuching.
i get to dance in church...
twice in a row. i cant even remember the last time i danced. was it in form 4 when me and jing joined in the jmyf dance? other than tat, it's all primary school dancing...
decided to become emo and falling in love with the nature. so much to see under a tree and under the sun and under the big blue gate.
and then there's the bus stop that served me so well in my emo days....
the day that the trees opposite the bus stop started blooming....
and all i could see was bulbs and bulbs of pink and white....
and i cant stop humming 展开清晨的翅膀, i think that was the day when i healed. i gave God my broken heart in shattered pieces, and He made it whole again.
and my days were packed and packed and packed full with labs and lab reports.
and so i started sketching by buying my first sketch-book and my first 6B pencil.
and as if to prove that i have too much spare time, we were given this to accomplish.
ordeal and ordeal as can be. might be nothing to some, but we see our blood and sweat on every centimeter.
every centimeter. every centimeter....
every centimeter... even though some parts did not work out as intended.
and then there's this...
blood and sweat and tears. but a happy and contended experience. though i definitely like the process better than the conclusion.
but there are the happy times too,
getting together just to and for fun and just to and just to and just to.....
and all the fast food....
and i really do miss them....
kelvin,
daniel,
paps,
mama,
oh, and i miss their daughter, their sister, their friend, who can only be true and sincere around them...
oh my gosh, i am so pleased with myself at the moment, i solved my major problem in aligning my images in my post for real!!! ever since i downloaded and personalized my blog layout, i ve been through all kinds of technical problems. the margins, the sidebar size, the date and stuffs that are all in HTML and widget form and all i can do is search online for tips on tweaking my HTML and widget by myself, and now, my final final woe is healed, perfect alignment!
now, back to enzyme technology...
i am signing on line after many many days of inconvenience and browsed through all the good-will birthday greetings and blissful wishes and email and pondered upon many many questions. about growing up and growing mature and growing old and changing and living and etc.
then i saw an email greeting when i was clearing my spam in my inbox. it says, birthday greetings from 威儿帮, it's from willpan fanclub~ haha, then i have all this tiny tiny bits of recollections and images and clips and stuffs all jamming into view in my head. days when i was so intense and into will pan, and all the things that i would do just to, all the thoughts and wishful thinking i spent hours and hours building, and then it was gone. just like that. a happy and contended memory nevertheless but the amount of love and attention i can spare was so limited. i might say that i love, many many times over, but then, when things and situation and etc changes slightly, my feeling changes and so are my perspectives and everything else. i hate the way things are, so flexible and so prone to changes and so short-lived and so out of control and so unbearable and so selfish and so self-intended and so fake. everything. i can only love God then? who is everything opposite. but then, i want to love this world so much, and yet it is so unlovable. imagine how disappointed God is when we refuse to love Him even and love this unlovely world instead.
i used to think, growing up has to do with physical aging and gaining in size and weight. or even academic-wise. sometimes it is not. i used to think, how amazing it is, today i am 21 years old, but tomorrow i will wake up a full 22 year-old and my mind set and perspectives will instantly be transformed into a 22 year-old state and i would suddenly hate soda and prompt for red wine and hate will pan's funk and opt for mozart's classics. how amazing would that be. and then, suddenly one year, i realized that it is not like that. i dont wake up feeling and becoming older. it happens so gradually that i did not notice the change at all.
i am currently reading dear andreas, by a famous taiwanese writer. it is in mandarin. can you imagine that? maybe i am really growing up.
i was, listening to clay aiken's measure of a man, 2003 album and prompted me to google him up, and it turned our that he is a Christian gay dad.
it is definitely a sad thing to acknowledge. people and their definitions of what is true and and what is not. and their new term, the gray districts. the murky zone. where nothing is absolute. things could be right and things could be wrong and it doesn't matter to them. they are referring to the wrong media. it's not about what people and what you yourself feel and think. have you referred this matter to God? what did He say? is He okay about this?
i am not going to boycott people who are gays but i would like to demand your time to stop and think. is this really what God wants of you? when it is so well-stated in the bible that it is a sin. have you referred to God? do you really think that asserting to your own emotions and needs and urges is the best way? do you really think that God will abandon you just like that? do you think He did not hear your cries of desperation?
He is the unchanging God. He is the ever-loving God. He knows what is best for you. have you been listening to yourself for far too long that you have stopped listening to God? that you failed to recognize His loving voice and caress? persevere my friend! yes, you, out there! reach for His arms and don't condemn yourself to the world and its worldly ways, no matter how hard it may be! do not fear, just believe!
He will come to your rescue, really He will!
do you know that, earthy things is only the tip of the iceberg. eternity is so much more! are you really condemning yourself to the little offered n earth and refusing the much bigger picture of eternity?
it must be due to the fact that i had been reading and writing and typing in mandarin that i am losing my touch... this is the first time i am so so stuck with my opening for my post. well, i guess there's always too much to learn and so i will humbly learn.
good news and bad ones. the good news are as follow:
- i am positive that i am not having another sinusitis.
- sardine sandwiches are not so bad actually^^
- i went shopping down at jusco three times last week!!! fuyoh~
- xishui is looking positive *keep our fingers crossed on this*
- restocked my chicken's essence
- i am finally cooking again,...
- no fining for late submission of my registration forms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- going home in two weeks^^.^^.^^.^^
- i am officially broke!!!! thank goodness i am going home in two weeks! no more impulse buying for me....
- i forgot all about my friend's birthday, aiz....
- exam, exam, exam...
- who has the english past year's answer?????????????
- what's with that bad attitude i am using lately?
more good than bad, so i am guessing that this is a good thing. i am still feeling good, no more prweeeeeeeeeety like two weeks ago, but still positive. i don like myself when i handle things so immaturely but i think i should give myself allowance to be wrong too. accept the fact that no one is perfect and that we are learning from our mistakes. where is the practice of stepping into the other person's shoes? i guess he is not all that rotten like how i asumed. at least i finally see worst.
there there, i am going to make a few bold acclaims.
i am going to strive hard for my exams and do my best. ( not likely going to happen but one can always hope ei?)
i am going to be brave and do things the way GOD wants me to. GOD, make it easy for me, this is still too hard, cant throw me on level 45 when i am still struggling in level 2 and a half you know? yea, you know best. i accept.
put all my doubts and worries and uncertainties unto GOD's hands. let HIM lead the way!
confer indemnity... from God.
even though He knows.
even though it's the best way for things to be.
it is wrong.
i am wronged.
i don care.
i just don want to be fed down just like that anymore.
i'm on the road, to vermillion city~~
suddenly, i missed my pokemons...
i missed jigglypuff,
i miss ash, and pikachu, and bulbasaur, and snorlax, gengar, and brock, and all the ladies he keep on falling for, nurse joy, officer jenny, and the ever so annoying meowth and team rocket!
and i miss "my fav things" from the sound of music....
and i miss playing tunnels with daniel and kelvin...
and i miss giggling with su chern over my brother and his bakery stories...
and i miss the time i was so in love with cockroach and the many other boys
and i miss having every single meal together with grace, zinc and weennee
and i miss the times i struggled to memorize maths t solutions in tuition for stpm....
and i miss the good times i had with lizard in primary school...
and i miss me being ignorant and being myself every single minute....
and i miss the time i spent with chia and moi and thing and chaikian in iscf....
and i miss serving in clc...
and i miss me
i miss the real me
i miss the pretentious me
i miss the melancholy me
i miss the rebellious me
i miss the goody-goody me
i miss the plucky me
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
getting better, and getting in charge. just realized how much i had pushed aside to make way for my man-made massive hole of desperation and desires.
but, i will not regret a single thing i did, the good and the bad. i wan to keep them all. no one is allowed to change a single thing. i like it this way. it makes me, me. it is a part of me and it makes me superior to myself.
much is gained. nothing is lost. nothing is lost. and i am happy that i went through this. i realized how weak i am. and how little faith i have in my Lord. why do i falter? this could be very simple and pain-free. i just chose to learn things the hard way.
but, hey, i survived. this ought to count for something too right? i am sure of this.
i see a bright way ahead. so many more uncertainties and possibilities up ahead. i am geared up and ready to go. i am packing and arming and on stand-by for attacks. disarm me if you can!
i am not afraid!
I think God moved the stone for me. It's still there, as big as ever. But at least it's inching. More progress underway.... Lend me some strength God~
Sincerely, Sharoni am on the road of recovery!
this is going to peak my university life, somehow it has to. too many obligations and things that are out of my range of interest invading my fortress and make themselves homey here in my territory!!! i am not satisfied with the situation and the fact that i am not in control makes me want to puke and then die and then give up. but hey, that's part of the learning process. been there, done that. something else please? please don't bring up the old folklore that you suspected me of understanding. no criticisms here. no-oh.
if i survived this ordeal, i will be stronger. but, i am lucky and grateful to have all these wonderful people around me that has been nothing but loving and supportive and caring and helpful. people of which i will not be able to make it to the end at all without. you are gifts from my Lord my Father...
still in the process. and realized that regrets are going to be regrets forever. you won find anything changing to the way before by regretting. you can learn from the experience though. no use regretting! and thinking of how it would be like if i were to...... is not constructive at all. what's gone is gone. yesterday is gone. today is ours to appreciate. tomorrow is not yet ours. something like this. turn to \god who is in charge of time and yet not restricted by time and spaces.
i am going back to the world of ordeals. wish me luck!
defeated. thrashed. i am crushed. half of me died, the other half is old and wizened. i hate you! but, life still goes on, and i can only rely on one thing. all things are in the hands of the All Knowing. i still cannot understand but i can only choose to trust and believe that all's well and ends well and that i live for a far greater reason and that there are far more for me to cherish and embrace.
argh, but it is so difficult to tell myself to let it go. i need to find someone to blame. i cant just leave without any vengeance. i am so scared for myself. is this the creation of a monster in the making?
i know i am to blame too but this thought is not sinking in. i am not impressed and i am not satisfied.
okay, here goes. i am making peace with my body and my mind and my soul. i am making peace with God and with people. i am going to surrender my negative emotions to God and let Him handle it. i am going to forgive and forget even though i don't want to. i will still be me.
if yesterday were to be today, and tomorrow be yesterday, and i won't be me, and you won't be there, and complications would be simplicity and heartaches would be moments of cherished desires.
but yesterday will not be today and tomorrow won't be yesterday, and i would always be just me and you would still be there too, and complications need my decisions and heartaches will be the process.
and tomorrow, would be a brand new day. i forecast a sunny one.
God heals.
And then God says: I asked you to push, but I didn't ask you to push it away, I am merely training your strength
Sincerely, Sharonso the rock is there for me to push. and push and push. it will not necessarily move. God did not attach a note saying: PUSH IT OUT OF THE WAY!
His only instructions were: Push.
so the tug-of-war of both sinew and sweat begins. without realizing it, i have wandered off the road. down the little alley. into the deserted path among the trees. down the zig-zag creek. down the miles and miles of tulip fields. down to the earth. wandered too far off. and turning back is not going to be easy but it will be necessary. there's no other way.
and so i say: i wan to embrace you! all my obligations and responsibilities and such. i love you all!
seek His will in all you do, then you won be lost.
i will find my way back following the bright bright light of God!
marveling, marching, mending, molding and mounting, all happening at the same time. if only i were inanimate, if only i weren't breathing, if only i were in denial, if only i were an idiot, i won't have to carry on and pretend that this is the right way for things to happen and for things to go. if only i were in a story instead. that would be swell.
in the middle of nowhere, wish i were at least making effort to go somewhere. my obligations and my aspirations, piling up in the corner, needs some refreshment.
thanks for your shoulder last night stella. it felt so right to cry after such a long time trying to control them, even though i wasnt half so aware that they were actually there. maybe this will be a bright new start. i need to reorganise my life. things just aren't the way they are anymore, not the way that i wanted them to be. simple things that i only come to appreciate now. simple things that made life so easy and enjoyable. some things were just gone, and they are not going to come back.
life size challenges ask for life size figures. and realizing your role as one of them is step no one to success. step two is finding ways to turn the situation round. so round and round and round it goes.
if your faith were to be purer and simpler, then things will be ten times purer and simpler. where is your faith?
build your faith upon the everlasting God, and not elsewhere. all things worn out and will deter and rot away one day, God will always be there.
i am drowning. literally. somehow, i learned to swim, and it is not natural instinct. or is it? i wish i were flying, then i don't have to swim. but that's just not possible. maybe after next test. you see? we are never satisfied. once you know how to swim, you were grumbling to God saying why didn't You just make me fly?
another part of this semester is unwinding itself. turn out to be more than i can handle. i know that i can do it if i tried harder and to rely more on God and to have more faith. weak men we are, we just cant seem to surrender entirely and simply to wait upon Him to come with all abundance.
two things remain unchanged. little that i have. my faith and my resolutions. don lose them, ever, this is the least that you can have, without faith, you are like the walking dead. you will be living but you won be feeling. you will breath but you will not smell the air. you will survive but you will not be happy. you will have wealth but you will not be able to enjoy all the riches He had in store for you. when the time comes, many will sob and grumble and grind their teeth in despair, but alas, you are too late, you had your chances, more than once, He appealed to you, yet you turned to reject Him.
rejecting God is like rejecting oxygen. air can live without you breathing, but you cant live with air. there's no why, there's just fats. there's no other alternatives, there's just one way to salvation. is this really that tough a decision?
