my head is going to burst!! i cant rest, my mind is constantly in this "thinking" mode, and i really don't know how to switch it off. at first its stress due to my disastrous result, then ipta application, then college application, now grown ups!! i feel torn apart! my mom wants me to do this, my dad wants it the other way~ they are not forcing me into anything, but i still feel very pressured!! they keep saying, choose wat u want n like, this is merely our opinions~ i wish i know wat i want and like! saves all troubles.
and then its my spiritual growth, i feel like i'm drifting away again. sitting in the church, attending Sunday service feels like i m not like the rest of the ppl, i m not connected! its like God called me, but my phone's broken, so He cant hear from me, and i cant reach Him. why am i always like this? a few weeks of passion, and then another few of me shutting Him out, and then total coolness, and then passionate again...
this is not how a relationship with God is supposed to be like. and this makes me doubt my faith. not whether or not God is real tat kind of thing, but, did i accept God as my savior kind of thing. in a tv programme, the pastor was telling the audiences, Christianity is not a religion, its a change in a person's life. a person will definitely change when he meets God. i m attending this TOP lessons, and the second chapter says: to accept Christ as your savior, u must first confess that u are a sinner. i m not sure i did that yet~
when you sit back to think, how things go by, how time slips by, every minute, every second, every moment, all kinds of images, actions, speech come and go, through your head, and the fact that we are under the control and restrictions of time and place, its perfectly intriguing. did u think like that before?
and i realized one thing: the older you get, things around you seem to revolve in higher speed and magnitude. things come n go faster, less heartfelt feelings deep down, yes, shallow, that's the word i'm trying to say, things become shallow, when u are more in touch with reality, things become shallow. things we used to like, we used to treasure, have become mere jokes, and should never be brought into day light.
i started to have this really weird, swirling, blurry feelings after finishing form 5. after spm, national service, spm result, all kinds of new things, new school, new ppl, form 6, stpm.... it seems surreal sometimes. its almost like that its too hard for me to take that i selectively "feel", and loosen the connections between me and my feelings, that i simply blur things out when i like them, or cant bear them, i want to heal, i want to be perfectly normal again, up here, in my head.
its not always bad. some say its anger management, but i m worried this is going down the road of depression! when too many sides of me lose connection with ME as a whole, i think that's when i will totally go berserk!
out for dinner with the s3 gang last night~ Deena, Helen and Lydia.
we spent more time waiting than really eatin!! because i m waiting at deena's hz right after school (6:00 pm), no complains here tho!! Deena's house is like this really really cool showhouse, so delicate and so sophisticated! so we wait together from 6 till 7:30pm!!! lydia and helen went for supp counseling, and then thy went back home to take bath....
we went to padungan (padungan = pasar isit? ), deena's driving. lao dian is more famous for its drinks rather than the food i suppose, because there are more drinks than meals on the menu.
mettahorn here is really really not as good as the one in hui sing!!! and hui sing there cheaper too!!
haha, the moment of truth, been there, done that, what's next?
the thing is, at the very moment of truth, the only issue to concern is that: its a good truth or a bad one. okay, its a bad one, so now what?
thanks for those who consoled me, saying things will be okay. and guess what, i ll be okay, haha of course i ll be okay, or should i commit suicide? sigh...
over with the bawling-my-eyes out procedure, now, what i need to do is to find out where i went wrong, and find out what courses can i take, so that i can go into local u, this is a real dread, because after browsing through the websites of all the local unis, my future looks quite pallid. but i m sure there are ways!
the closing of a window might open up new doors? sigh, doors, please open quickly!!!
i had nightmares for the whole night, all of them were in numbers!
2.0, 2.5, 3.0.....
Ahhhhhhhhhhh
really driving me nuts!! i got so confused halfway in my dreams (apparently i dreamt of getting my result in many diff versions in just one night) because i cannot tell which one is the real one!! then i woke up, none of them were real~
why am i born? what is the reason behind my appearance in this world? am i here serving a particular purpose? how am i supposed to know all tat? there's answer to all tat u know.
i have another story to share. this one is about finding the purpose of your life
ok, the story take place in a pottery factory. the potter is making a new batch of vases, beautiful vases with narrow necks. he made every single one carefully and they are almost perfect, and suits their purpose.
the potter put the vases in the factory to dry them up before he can add final touches. and that very night, a storm roam through that area, with heavy rain and a flood followed. the vases were swept off to the country side by the water.
one particular vase ended up in a farm. the farmer was a kind old man and he willingly took the por vase in. so the vase stayed in the farm for some time.
this afternoon, the vase was at its corner looking around the hustle n bustle in the farm when it notice this particular water container in the chicken coop which is very popular among the chicken. the chicken kept going to the container to talk to him while taking their drinks. the vase tot: how lovely! the container must be so happy to be serving all the chicken in the coop!
therefore, the vase begged the farmer to fill it up with water too n place it inside the coop, so tat all the chicken will take their drink from it too.
but alas, the chicken tried their best, but they kept tilting the vase over, and they cannot get their drink. they went back to the old water container instead.
the vase was very sad. it cannot be as good as the water container. sulking in a corner, the vase now noticed a pot of beautiful tomato plant. the pot sat in the sun happily with lovely tomatoes growing in it.
the vase tot, even tho i cant be as good as the water container, but i think i ll be just as good as the flower pot! so, it requested the farmer to put some soil in it and plant tomato plant in it too!
thinking happily tat finally it has found something it is good at, the tomato plant started to wilt. then eventually the tomato plant died.
i m so useless! i m not good at anything! why do i exist? what am i born for? the vase was very very sad indeed.
the vase hid itself in a corner for long long time. then another flood came. the vase was swept away again. bobbing up and down aimlessly in the water, the vase tot bout his life, and how unhappy he was, and how he is so useless in everything
a hand grab hold of the vase and pull it up from the waters. the vase opened his eyes and realized it was the potter who made him in the first place! the potter took him back to the factory and cleaned it up, and painted a new coat of paint on the vase. then he put a few fresh flowers into the vase and put it on display.
one day, tourists came to the factory, n the vase heard someone saying: look at that beautiful vase! in its rightful place, making the flowers in it looking so beautiful! the vase looked around and finally realized tat they were talking about him!
then, he knew, only in the hands of the creator, can the creation be living to its fullest, and only the creator himself, knows, what are we made for, what are our purposes.
still unsure bout your purpose in life? ask your creator! n i m not talking bout your parents, they only act as the deliverer, the creator is someone u will go back to one day, if u cant find him, he will find you. the important thing is to really rely on him, trust him, because he knows, u r the unique creation of his hands.
i getting tired of many things, wish i can go back to times where i m stil ignorant and din care bout anything happening around me. when i tot the only problem in my life is figuring out how to achieve academic excellence despite the fact that i m lazy and not so serious bout studying or stil manage to portray this oh so good image that ppl will like and say, oh why cant u be like XXX's daughter n stuffs.
then i realize trying your best to mind your own life and making sure ends meet just isn't enough. u don have to do anything wrong n its not enough for u to just stay off all the dangerous lanes. this is my pre-twenty-year-old experience. things will go wrong when they want to, things go their own way. its not up to us, not really.
i really hate it when third parties come up and mess up my world, causing trouble, causing distress n anxiety, its really really unacceptable, when it is really disturbing us more than we want it to be, and this is really not the first time something like this happens.
then, i'll go n think (involuntary action) what we are supposed to do, thinking all ways to overcome all kinds of harm tat may land on us for the doing of someone else, what they might do to us, how are we supposed to avoid them, how to come out unharmed....
what follows? anxiety beyond words, and distress, migraine, constipation, insomnia....
the situation is especially worse since the third party himself did not repent, did not realize that he is wrong, n tat this cannot continue, and how we despise him, and how ungrateful he is... i'm really really....
so i prayed tat God will save him, otherwise, all of us are doomed. our whole family, his family, people connected to us....
don ask what happened, but please pray that everything will be ok, and for the blind to see, for the lost to find and be found, and for the pain to be eased. pray to the Lord, for his salvation.
by the way, if anyone out there is a fan of all sorts of soap operas (as much as i am) i ve to recommend this ultimately superb website http://www.mysoju.com (su chern told me bout this website, n i cant thank her enough!)
my goodness! this website is so so great, because it has all the dramas n movies organized alphabet wise n country wise ( Korean, Japaneses, Taiwanese.) so its very easy to locate the shows u want to watch!
since i m on the topic now, i really want to recommend this japanese drama called kurosagi!
the story's mainly about a guy named kurosagi working as a professional swindler, but he is different from other typical swindlers, his job is to trick swindlers, so its swindling swindlers, apparently its still a crime, doin what he's doin, like robin hood=thief even though he's helping the poor
its really cool because u ll be anticipating how would he trick the next bad guy, to see who wins in the end, and how he avoid the bad guys from getting suspicious n everything...
a real bonus is tat, the male lead : yamashita tomohisa aka yamapi
he's really cute! haha! (sorry if this cause nausea)
my current craze:
1. tv: korean soaps - she's nineteen
taiwanese soap - romantic princess, ISWAK 2
it started with a kiss II~
japanese soap - kurosagi, hana yori dango
2. music: the flavor of life by utada hikaru, daite senorita by yatapi
3. books: the dare game by jacqueline wilson
its really childish but really funny and very touching~ its about how children with dark past cope with their insecurities, an awesome read definitely!
Caution: Never drive when you are sleepy!!!
so it says, n did i listen? no! i'm such a careful driver, what could happen when i'm on the wheel?! it happened! collision! i cant believe it, n i'm the on the wrong side!
i was sending my little brother to his tuition, and i was really sleepy. when i reached the roundabout at BDC, i was paying attention to cars on my right, and finally the exit's clear, and i step on the pedal, n "kurmp" ( something like tat), n i stopped, n i looked, and on my left there's a motorcycle, and apparently i knocked into him (a malay youngster), but i double-checked with my bro first, and he said : yes, you knocked into him.
that guy din go away, so i step out of the car, trying my best to look apologetic and sincere. that guy was smoking and threw his cigar on the floor (trying to act angry i guess), i quickly say sorry and looked at the damage (there was no damage at all!!)
he kept tugging at the light and it came off a bit and he went saying: perlu ganti (in a rude manner)
i said: berapa?
he said: sepuluh
i was relieved!!!!... so i quickly paid him and we went our own ways
when i got into the car, i discussed with my bro bout the accident, and i suddenly feel tat i shouldn't pay him, but my bro said, even though there's no damage, i should pay him for him to recover from his shock. duh...
when i got home, sigh, my parents were angry!!! not because i drove recklessly, because i paid that guy! sigh...
okay, the conclusion is:
1. i'm ten ringgit poorer ( u can buy 4 packets of kolo mee with ten ringgit eh!)
2. but, one experience richer ( so next time if there's no damage, don pay, and even though u are wrong, never play a weak role unless the opponent looks mean)
3. NEVER DRIVE WHEN YOU ARE SLEEPY!!!
i have a small story to share, i read it in my text book of a spiritual enrichment class a few years ago n it affects me deeply:
there was an old man minding a small farm near a forest. he was a poor man, and all he got from his farm was only enough to feed himself. one day, he was looking for herbs in the forest like usual when he heard the cuckoo of a chick. he found the chick n brought her home. he tended to the chick n eventually the chick became a very beautiful hen. the next thing tat happened was the hen laid golden eggs. one golden egg each day, day after day, n the farmer became rich. he was happy of course, but the richer he got, he became more impatient. he wanted the hen to give him golden eggs in bigger amount n to lay the eggs quickly. eventually, he became so impatient he decided to cut the hen open to get all the golden eggs at once. of course, there were no golden eggs inside the hen. this is the story about the importance of decision -making.
sometimes we need to decide on small issues: where to dine, which blouse to go with which pair of jeans. these are insignificant decisions, n a wrong judgment usually won bring much harm.
so now let's talk bout the real important issues: education, job, marriage. these are wat ppl usually consider the most important choices in our lives. yes, they are extremely important. taking a wrong turn might get us ended up in somewhere we don like, or make us take a big u-turn to get to our initial destination.
okay now, so if u think, those up there are the really BIG decisions, what would u think about eternity? how would u spend your life of eternity after death? eternity. how long is that? if u choose correctly, u will ended up somewhere full of joy n praise. wat if u make a wrong decision? if u think its too heavy for u, think again. its never too early, for anything. there's only too late.
when u are dying, lying on your bed, all your past memories, flashing across your head. then u will think: all my life of hard work, wat am i after anyway? fame? glory? money? luxuries? if life is all about chasing after these things, why would u still feel so empty now, everything start to seem meaningless. if i m borned to die, what is the meaning of life?
it is useless, useless, said the philosopher. life is useless, all useless. you spend your life working, laboring and what do you have to show for it? generations come and generations go, but the world stays just the same. Ecclesiastes 1: 2-4
nothing that i had worked for and earned meant a thing to me, because i knew that i would have to leave it to my successor, and he might be wise, or he might be foolish-who knows? yet, he will own everything i have worked for, everything my wisdom has earned for me in this world. it is all useless. so i came to regret that i had worked so hard. you worked for something with all your wisdom, knowledge and skill and then you have to leaveit all to someone who hasn't had to work for it. it is useless, and it isnt right! Ecclesiastes 2: 18-21
it is all useless, it is like chasing the wind. Ecclesiastes 2: 26
so wat's the point of livin then? which way is the correct direction? how do u know for sure? because this has to do with eternity, i hope everyone can spend time to think about this instead of following what your friends or other ppl are doin, because u are deciding for something bigger than life!
share with me when u found yours! i have found mine.
the biggest n coolest thing about being a teacher: great pay, short working hour cum working days, plenty of holidays,... this job is like way cooler than i expected!
school holidays' officially starting,..., Today! its supposed to start on the 8th, but since the general election day's on the 8th, n our school is one of the election stations, we get to take our break one day earlier, for them to prepare n get things ready for the Big day(no complaints here definitely~)
yesterday's the last day of the first pre-semester exam for my students, i expect them to be really jolly n happy bout the whole thing, but not all of them are looking forward to the hols as i expected. holiday tuitions! n they are only form ones! 13-year-olds, doing their part for the country i guess? preparing themselves for our country's future?
i have this one student in 1I ( i'm the form teacher of 1I a.k.a. the last/ worst/ most terrible... class in form one ) who keep pestering me bout his result in mathematics, when i finally told him he got 85/100, he was appalled!!! sigh... his parent promised him a cell phone if he can get 100 for any two subjects n maths is one of his bests.
so it brings me back down memory lane, how was it like then? because, now, all i see, written all over the students' foreheads: academics excellence, material luxuries, or should i simply say, grown-ups' mastermind? it is the reality in the modern day society, but its cruel. the rat race n everything. everyone seem to realize only when its too late.
Okay, so it will start all over again! Let's hope that this time, it lasts.
my first entry, will be about something i enjoy, something i like
starring me, as myself... this is not original, its from my all time favorite starring
sally j freedman as herself by judy blume.
though this is not the exact cover of the copy i read, i think this is the new version. i liked the old one better
this book means a lot to me, its like one of the first books which connects me with enjoying reading. this book, and all the other books in the judy blume collection which i've read: otherwise known as sheila the great, tales of a fourth-grade nothing, superfudge, fudge-a-mania, blubber, starring sally j freedman as herself, then again maybe i wont, just as long as we are together.
pending on my to-read-books from judy blume: double fudge, its not the end of the world, deenie, here's to you rachel robinson
DYING to read: are you there God, its me margaret ( i cant believe it! i've been wanting to read this like ten thousand years ago, but stil fail to locate it, n its like an extreme depression, n i'm really on the verge of giving up)
of course, i like many many different books too, but this is really my all time favourites. next time, maybe i'll write something about a walk to remember, which is also like a true mega scrumptious book i would recommend, but its not my first love, so judy blume is irreplaceable!
