one of my greatest fear is growing old. i would much rather be dead and gone with when i am younger. say 60?
i think being old and wizened is really unbearable. i don't know how it feels like but i can imagine. these few days, i have a few encounters with people at this stage of their life. i did know talk, but i watched them closely and intensely. hair graying, skin drooping with plenty plenty of unnecessary creases, eyes drooping and most of the time moist, every step shaking as much as possible, knees wobbling.
they became slow, they talked slower, they think slower, they react slower...
how can one accept all these imperfections when they used to own everything. they used to walk straight without ail like me, they used to be able to do things like me, their arms used to work as fine as mine, and their legs too.
i am not afraid to die, but i certainly am afraid of getting old. the helplessness i felt as i know one day, that day would come, without myself realizing it, was crazily a distraught.
but that's the fact. and age is the crown of life. would i be happy then?
i have no idea. to die slowly. that is crazy. everyday, you wait for death to crept upon you and engulf you.
fear not those that harms your body but not harm your soul, Jesus is the beholder of your soul. would i be able to keep my soul untainted?
i am so blessed, in so so many ways. one day, when i really start counting my blessings, i cannot imagine how contended i would be~
i aint changing myself, i am just more inspired lately, to do things, and to think some things through. i still believe that everything happens for my benefit and not the way round. good or bad, that's just part and parcel of life and embracing them with both hands wide spread makes the package one tiny bit more charming^^
i can see all the possibilities and am glad of the perspectives i might hold one day. one day. one day. that day will never come if nothing is done today rite?
every time i talked to mom or dad or daniel or kelvin via the phone, and every time i get to go home, i had all these emotions of joy and belonging and all sorts of other good good feelings for no reason at all. just being able to spend time together and to be sitting in the same room and hearing their voices... that is love.
this is official, i am home-sick! kelvin's coming back to AIMST from kuching today~
Are You There God? It's me Margaret.
pure satisfaction. pure indulgence. pure faith.
sometimes, the clearest answer seems so vague we simply refuse to acknowledge it. sometimes, the murkiest water hides the ugliest grim and yet we embrace it freely.
a classic read by Judy Blume that tells the tale of a twelve year old and religion. like some adults today, her most significant headaches are parents, fitting-in, boys, body-consciousness, and religion. yes, i find myself ticking off the list as i was reading, too.
but Margaret's take of things are so much more interesting and so much simpler. she only has one solution for every single problem. she brings them to God.
every night, she will secretly talk to God (because her parents might not like that she talks to God too often),
"Are You there God? It's me, Margaret..."
she is lost, because she thinks that she do not know where to find God. she went to the church. she went to the temple. she went to the cathedral. yet, she did not find God anywhere. and she got angry with God for not telling her much.
she just isn't listening carefully enough.
actually, God whispers to her everyday, saying...
"My dear Margaret, I am here, my child..."
we just have to listen carefully enough.
i think it is finally time to come down to earth and face the facts. no harm dreaming, but, i have to be realistic, and thinking that i am living another life just doesn't fit in the context here. there's a big big gap between reality and perception and reality sucks.
i need a breather. and i need space. because i want to be someone that i would be proud of. i want to be someone i wanted to be. i want myself to be more than me and less than me, if that even makes sense. see, that's the thing, this world makes no sense, just like me.
today we took a trip to peneng!!!.jpg)
adventurous us i have to conclude since we are not familiar with the place. and there are all the transportation and directions and other stuffs to consider but we decided to try anyway, and it was a scary trip, fulfilling but scary.
good thing sze inn isn't someone who panics. and we have winnie with us^^.jpg)
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but, i love it, even though it is so exhausting it is killing both my legs and my back. ah....
p/s: i want camera!!!
sunday was our outing-day. supposedly going to peneng but we ended up in village mall, sungai petani.
no more earthquakes on sunday, but doubled the restlessness.
village mall is a dainty little place that caters to most of our needs. there's a cineplex, and there are bakeries and a few franchised eating outlet, F.O.S. and SHOPaLOT, and there are a few boutiques and shoe stores and gift stores and a karaoke centre. there's a tesco a few minutes walk away, and there's a MPH in tesco. there's going to be a guardian soon. the people here are so lucky. of course, this is nothing compared to the sophisticated stores is johor and kl, and i do wish that there were more. but this is really all that they can provide.
cheer up zinc~~
i think the main reason i cannot be at ease here is due to the fact that i cant find a place to rest. maybe yes but then i would have to wake up early and claim the place before other people does. ah, i feel lonesome without my sanctuary.
i like every little processes in my life, which all turn out to be significant in a way or another and demands me to stop and think about my life. i think i will make a great deal with my life, and all the things that i am about to experience and do. i just wish i have more time and courage and determination. i finally see what is important and what isn't. those things with eternal significance, those are the important things.
i am saying goodbye to my teens and my childhood. i am saying goodbye to the things that makes me feel good but not necessary so in God's eyes. i am biding farewell to you my friend and i am on my way now, to become a better me, at least i want to try doing that.
by the way, do you know why grrfield likes lasagna?
this year's Thomas Cup reminds me of patriosim, strangely enough.
actually, it's a book i read a few months ago, dear andreas. the writer was a german, and he talked about how people in Germany do not embrace patriotism, it just isn't something that they are proud of, and this has to do with the black tragedy of the wipe-out under Adolf Hitler's vision. therefore, he expressed his rare dose of the taste of patriotism during the World Cup in which so many German gathered in a field and cheered for Germany, as if forgetting that they are not prompt to do something like that, to openly acknowledge that they are proud to be Germans.
i was taken aback, actually. who would come to think of something like this? to not be able to root for your own team and be proud of your origins.
but, when i think deeper into the issue, i realized that we are not so far from that too. from what i can see, it is difficult to find a non-bumiputera teenager or even adult to proclaim that they are proud to be malaysian. my brother talked non-stop about migrating. my physics tuition teacher complained about the education system. some don't like the transportation means, some hated the politics. we speak more of our mother-tongue and english. we seek chances to leave, because there's nothing much to take from here.
i was in the cafeteria last week when the thomas cup was on and the students were packed there, catching the drama of the game. when the malaysian player missed a shot or scored a point, they moaned and cheered in unison.
that was my rare dose of patriotism too i guess. that's patriotism. that's how it feels like. that is when i see that, we are actually together even though we are apart. we are one even though we tried to be different. we are malaysian, good and bad, we take them all in.
i used to ponder upon leaving because i don't like it here. in fact, there are so so many unruly issues that we have to face here, and some are nonsense. but, where am i to go? i am a chinese, but i am not a china citizen. i am a malaysian. i am born here, and this is my home, like it or not, and i grow up here. this is where my memories lie. where on earth is there somewhere like here? my root. my shelter. my home.
i think those who find faults with their country are actually visionaries. you see the problem then you have the responsibility to fix it. it's that simple. just don't leave like that. that's cowardly and plain selfish.
by the way, malaysia lost the thomas cup this time again. we'll do better next time. sorry for the fans though.
you know what? some things just wouldn't change, no matter how hard you try to deny it. and some other times, you just have to make yourself change it.
ah, that's just small talk.
i was actually trying to take the cows grazing in the field on our road trip to alor setar. hmmm, but i don think you can see them....this is the second week into my internship. and, strangely enough, i had been doing nothing else except sleeping, eating, doing lab work, reading journal and watching movies online. i am currently at the stage where i am running out of stuffs to watch. suggestions anyone? anything that's hot and new and some of the off-beat and out-dated stuffs, i watched out of desperation already too.
alor setar. did i mentioned that there are so so many of those amazing paddy fields?about my industrial training, i cant pin-point how i feel and whether i like it or not. there are the really great stuffs and there are of course some major setbacks too. but, this is an all-in-all, one package right? there's got to be pros and cons. but, the pros ruled over the cons so far.
it's a really dainty little place with so much green and sun. even though i hate being under the sun, but i guess some people would like it very much here^^ it is extremely sunny and bright. haha, who cares that i like gloomy and sad weather.
for my lab work, we are still very much stuck in the extraction part. so far, it had been more like cooking rather than lab work. we washed rice everyday. we grind rice. we dried them in the oven. we break them up into small pieces. we store them. some got contaminated along the way. and then there are problems with the rice so we changed the variety of rice. so there we start the whole process again. now, we are still trying to solve the de-husking step of our extraction. it's like working in a bakery. the only difference is that we are wearing lab coats, not aprons.
we might be going to peneng soon!!!! cant wait~
song of the day. cant kick it off my mind, the somnolent melody flutters the small petals of my heart, makes the clouds softer and closer to reach, makes the scorching day balmier and the roads wider and the grass greener and everything better.
i ll dream a great dream tonight. somewhere in between reality and imagination and breathing. yes breathing.
better together- jack johnson
There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,
our dreams, and they are made out of real things
like a shoebox of photographs
with sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my heart, like
Why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together
Mmmm, It's always better when we're together
Yeah we'll look at the stars and we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah it's always better when we're together
And all of these moments
just might find their way into my dreams tonight,
But I know that they’ll be gone
when the morning light sings
and brings new things
for tomorrow night you see
that they’ll be gone too,
too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
i was somewhere in between
With only two,
Just me and you,
Not so many things we got to do
or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree, now,
Yeah It's always better when we're together
Mmmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together
[MmmMmmmmMmm, Mmm MMmmM]
I believe in memories
they look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
There is no, no song I could sing
and there is no combination of words I could say
but I will still tell you one thing
We're Better together
i am here in kedah for one week, and it's official: i love everything and everyone here, but i just cant seem to tolerate the extreme high temperatures (plus no wind) and the flight of stairs we had to climb up and down numerous times everyday. ah, well, at least i get to exercise and sweat eh?
today is sunday, and i am not in the church. we had our service in the Bedung Chapel on every saturday night instead. my gratitude towards the brothers and sisters there who welcomed us so generously and help us made ourselves comfortable there. thanks! may God bless their tight-knitted church community~
we went for a bit of touring in Sg. petani today. we took a cab to the city. it is approximately RM 15 to get from AIMST to the city. we headed for Central Square, which coincidentally short-formed CS, identical to JB's very CS (City Square).
they have a wide array of shops, but it is quite packed. the crowd kind of bugs us, because it makes it very unpleasant to move around and the way the shops are aligned way too close to one another doesnt help in making the situation more better.
anyway, we were browsing in popular when it happened. there was this slight tremor for a brief few second of which i interpreted as dizziness. but then, people started streaming out of the store and people started talking about an earthquake but we ignored them.
and then when we got back, we realized that there was a 5.7 quake on the ricther scale in the timor sea region.
hope everything's okay over there, i still cant get much on the news so far so i have no idea how the situation is like over there. but it has to be one strong quake to be able to feel it all the way in sg petani like this. then i read that there's a 7.2 quake recorded today in acheh. aiks. please be okay.
lately the justin bieber craze was astonishingly tremendous that i decided to check him out. it turned out that this 16 year-old is pretty good. sigh, another pop sensation but it only reminds me of how old i am and how i can relate less and less to the world i used to live in. ah, so i am heading to adulthood without myself knowing it eh?
another voice after the breathtaking jayesslee, i found another voice on youtube recently, chuanfu. the youtube sensation is on its rage and everyone is really that good! amazing. i really liked chuanfu's cover on owl city- fireflies. thumbs up!! double actually! i wish i could play guitar like him too. inspiring.
try this link: Owl city - fireflies
days here are getting better. i think. i really do enjoy the facilities and the food here. no kidding. it's really good. i am not sure i get so many varieties at home even. one thing that i still can't really cope is the weather. sweltering! hot! hot! hot!
no kidding.
we haven't really started our project yet. only a lot of literature review's work and administrative work. so we are spending most of our time online in the library doing research and reading all sorts of journals and we were to devise the methods appropriate. but since this is such a big project, i guess we are only doing this for self-input, i think they have everything penned down already. but, this is really a great experience. i am learning a lot.
dear Father, please help me through this and help me to indulge myself in the experience instead of fretting about what is to come. Amen.
i am not supposed to linger but ah, well, i don't want to get myself all up tight.
today's bible reading is a breather, a dose of fresh scent in my doubts and distress. God knows, and He cares and He loves. who is to deny that?
everyday is a day to be joyful and to praise the Lord. in despair and in glee alike. i give thanks to the Lord my savior who showered me with today, another brand new day with brand new hope and aspirations and inspirations.
i reached peneng midnight and came to aimst with so much excitement and contentment. i get to be with my brother, see what he sees, and experience whatever he is experiencing. it is really great!
we were assigned projects to accomplish for the industrial training contrary to what i had been expecting. i had expected a whole stretch of boring ten weeks and plenty of drama-catching and shopping and reading.
but, the thing is that, they thought so highly of us and expected so much on our behalf, which is both suffocating and stressful. and the internet connection in my room failed (i am inside the library racing against time to read multiple journals and to find out about extraction of starch from bario rice, which i can find nothing on), and we faced slight obstacles in registering and such. but it was silly to be put down so easily. haha, i think i can take more than that.
the place is great. the rooms are big and the facilities are up-to-scale. the bathrooms are slightly "tight", in the sense that there's only space for you to make a small turn without sticking yourself on the wall. i would have enjoyed it very much if i were a student here, but then again, maybe no, there is too little diversity, i don't think that i will be seeing much here, not as much as i see in UTM.
i am really glad that i have my brother to refer to in everything i need, poor lad, he is preparing for his finals. my laptop is currently with him, and he got his friend to help me see if it's okay. thanks kelvin.
so far so good, cant wait to kick start but i am hating all the reports and presentations and proposals that are coming head-first. dreaded feeling but i know that i will be okay.
Dear Father, thank You for the day, amen.
