Some sense, some sensibility

i am signing on line after many many days of inconvenience and browsed through all the good-will birthday greetings and blissful wishes and email and pondered upon many many questions. about growing up and growing mature and growing old and changing and living and etc.

then i saw an email greeting when i was clearing my spam in my inbox. it says, birthday greetings from 威儿帮, it's from willpan fanclub~ haha, then i have all this tiny tiny bits of recollections and images and clips and stuffs all jamming into view in my head. days when i was so intense and into will pan, and all the things that i would do just to, all the thoughts and wishful thinking i spent hours and hours building, and then it was gone. just like that. a happy and contended memory nevertheless but the amount of love and attention i can spare was so limited. i might say that i love, many many times over, but then, when things and situation and etc changes slightly, my feeling changes and so are my perspectives and everything else. i hate the way things are, so flexible and so prone to changes and so short-lived and so out of control and so unbearable and so selfish and so self-intended and so fake. everything. i can only love God then? who is everything opposite. but then, i want to love this world so much, and yet it is so unlovable. imagine how disappointed God is when we refuse to love Him even and love this unlovely world instead.

i used to think, growing up has to do with physical aging and gaining in size and weight. or even academic-wise. sometimes it is not. i used to think, how amazing it is, today i am 21 years old, but tomorrow i will wake up a full 22 year-old and my mind set and perspectives will instantly be transformed into a 22 year-old state and i would suddenly hate soda and prompt for red wine and hate will pan's funk and opt for mozart's classics. how amazing would that be. and then, suddenly one year, i realized that it is not like that. i dont wake up feeling and becoming older. it happens so gradually that i did not notice the change at all.

i am currently reading dear andreas, by a famous taiwanese writer. it is in mandarin. can you imagine that? maybe i am really growing up.