Pace myself

that wraps it up, ten weeks of industrial training ( or was that nine?) all the way up up up in northern Malaysia, Kedah Darul Aman.

i guess that was the most appropriate word, aman. it was a really peaceful little place, really dainty and really soothing. i guess i am more of a nature person than i used to think.

i missed the breezy mornings with dew and a little sunlight on those rare few weekend that i managed to wake up and went for a morning walk and sit down to read God's words. those were really rare days, i think there were actually only two such occurrences all in all.

the work was okay, some part being really heavy and chunky and irritating, but some parts were just breezier than the rest. but, i really learned a lot on starch. i never knew that there was such a big scope in the study of starch. a definite eye-opener.

come to think of it, this is exactly what those student exchange programs would be like. going off to another university in another place to work on some kind of small scale project and also to experience the difference in system and culture. the scope is much smaller than what i predicament, but, difference they were nevertheless. i failed. i failed to embrace the difference in systems and cultures. the way that things were different in a public university and a private university. failed in a way that up to some point that i even come to loathe the system and the people and the society as a whole. if i were to be given the chance, i would take bolder steps and enjoyed myself better!

and the whole social experience i was so so hoping to experience as a foreign-exchanged student, that was totally bull. the social recluse act i pulled in the length of ten weeks over there was like a gunshot right in my head. ah... i wished i could be different.

now that i see my problem, i guess i can be more realistic about my dreams and fantasies and self-concluded personalities. i guess my thinking that i would have all the experiences and fun in a foreign place where the systems were more opened and sporting, everything would be different.

i was always blaming my surrounding and my nation and my people and my language that they failed me greatly as opposed to what that was offered out there. i come to my senses that "I" am the greatest problem to be resolved. if i were still to be the same old me, i would still be like who i am here on the land of my roots. i would still missed out on things that i dreamed to have and decisions that i wanted to make and people whom i wanted to meet.

alas, but the "changing I to I" project is a great one that requires more than wistful and wishful thinking. but where were i to start?

it was a relief, to be ending a project and heading home for my short break but it also indicates the embarkation of a grater project of which i am still in the murkiest zone.