Relentless sorrows

I do have certain expectations out of life.

Surreal. Yes. I know. Yet one can’t help feeling this way. You think this much of yourself, and suddenly you realize no one even care about any of that, even though you try to be exactly what it is supposed to be. Then you try harder. And then you come to understand that no matter how hard you try they still would not notice anything.

You just aren’t part of them. They smile at you. They talked to you about your classes and the weather. They waves. Yet they aren’t really talking to you.

It’s no longer about the opportunity and the gladness or the fulfillment of the heart. It’s when you finally realize that there isn’t anyone who understand you, let alone appreciate you.

Yes I do know that my Abba Father will understand and He will acknowledge my sorrow. It’s loud and clear. But, I still can’t help feeling discouraged that this group of people whom I love and adore and yearn for so much can’t spend one minute to understand and take notice of things around them. That makes me really sad. Yet their every word is what people will say is spiritual and well-meant and encouraging and whatsoever. But, how many of them are really saying all these from their heart? Aren’t they just saying it for the sake of saying it?

Dear Heavenly Abba, please help my heart to stop being bitter and find space for forgiveness. They did not see and realize that I was hurting. And maybe this is merely a process. Please forgive me for being so bitter and arrogant. It’s always their fault, them being wrong, theirs to blame. I never come to see any of my mistakes. Please be my constant reminder and teach me my part in this situation, because this sadness and disappointment is really overwhelming and I really tried my very best already and yet nothing work out.

I think each and everyone expected something. Little did I know that my way of thinking is actually pathetic and in every sense wrong and misplaced, it hurt?

Something you build yourself up with, something you make yourself out of. I tried my very best not to complain. Much to my own avail, I failed, relentlessly. I talked myself out of every possible situation for reconcile to work. I talked myself into letting the unfairness I felt to grow and grow untamed.

I am wrong, but I think they are very wrong too. No one should be left feeling that he is worthless and too much of an extra, no one should or have the right to do that. No one should be left aside feeling that he is not much of much, even, nothing of nothing.

It was depressing, I wasn’t so sure I could cope with it before talking to people I trust. This is a very big thing indeed. No one is too good or not good enough to serve God in His holy temple. No one should be casted aside from serving. Please do not be unfair and leave people crying at one corner. Not everyone is like that or that. God does not stereotype!

Is it really too much to ask?